The room was adorn with red tapestry on the walls — silk maroon, velvet burgundy — and a a floor tempered in flame. There was a dragon dance happening. A slithering line of human legs carried the Chinese costume caricature of a writhing red dragon back and forth across the room. I felt drawn to join the form of such a powerful mythic creature. Something in its eye peered and reflected through my own. I stepped towards the slithering parade and the human beings carrying the dragon made space for me to enter the realm of the flying flame serpent. Once underneath the dragon’s skin, the airy quality to the dragon custom was revealed to be an illusion from the outside. The paper mache bore down with a heavy weight as I shouldered the dragon on my back. Everyone parading the dragon felt the weight, the burden of this serpent. We walked on rock and brittle stone which covered the floor and bruised our feet.
How to ride the dragon without baring its weight? I know the dance and move now to grab the dragon’s tale. I take hold, and let the might of this serpent carry me through the clouds into pure sky.
I wanted to make a post dedicated to some of the photography I have done for the past year or so. I’ll pick a few of my favorite pictures, give a little story behind each, and say what I enjoy the most about the picture. You will probably note that most of them revolve around our home. After I graduated from Towson Univeristy, I moved back to Sharpsburg, MD to live with my parents in the house I have spent most of my life. Since then I have started grad school, started teaching yoga, and I have continued to write poetry. I am really looking forward to spending the entirety of the Autumn season back here. It has been years since I have been home to watch the slow, melodic changes of spring, summer, fall, and winter. It has been a joy so far and I am excited to be present here the yin part of the year.
(Click any picture for a better look :))
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H2Oi Car Show, September 2014
With that said I begin at the end of September 2014. The next four pictures were taken in Ocean City, MD. Myself, my uncle (who is responsible for instilling a love for cars in my heart), and some other friends typical go to the car show H2Oi in September. Traditionally its a Volkswagen show but now any car shows up. Basically, it’s just ALOT of dudes driving a bit more than reckless for the sake of looking cool and, hopefully, accomplishing this level of cool with out a ticket or accident.
Ocean City MD
This was just a cursing shot the last day leaving the breakfast joint we ate at. Nothing too artsy here. I just like the chill vibe and the realism of a relaxing breakfast joint.
assateague island
We took a trip out to Assateague Island. It was my first time there and was blown away by the quality of the beach and surf. There were some old surf guys playing on paddle boards catching some solid waves. The lighting was pretty great this day. I like the miniature feeling with the wide-angle lens. It feels like a beach toy set.
WRX STI 2004
I believe I took this shot after breakfast in the parking lot. Like I said, more than just VWs at the show. This a pretty clean little STI. I like the prime, bright colors of the picture and the reflection in the puddle is a nice foreground. The play ground gives a playful feel to the picture.
My Uncle (left) and friend Ryan (right)
This was the crown jewel of the trip. I took this with my Dad’s old film camera, a Canon A-1 from the 80’s. I snagged this candid pic while we where enjoying dinner at a barbecue joint north of Assateague. I snapped it at just the right time and was very excited to see how it would develop. That might be why it is my favorite from this trip — the waiting for the development of the film.
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First Snow, November 2014
These next two pictures are from a November snow we had back at our house. I was ready to get on the board and down the mountain after this early snow. Such a tease.
Snow is great for contrast, black and white. I love the speckled pattern in the background of the flakes falling. This picture inspires me to get some hot chocolate, snag a blanket, and sit back amd watch Lord Of The Rings for the billionth time.
Tibetan Bell
I believe this is a Tibetan bell the was gifted to my mother. the copper wear of the bell harmonizes well with the brown and dying leaves still left on the tree. Impermanence is inherent in this material world. The bell always falls fading in and out of the earth.
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Home Exploration, January 2015
The next set contains a few more winter time photos from January-February of 2015. I tried exploring areas around the house while looking at familiar places in new ways. The experience resulted in a new understanding — I never have to travel far to cultivate joy. It is a lesson I have kept in mind this entire year while being back home. Instead of big trips, I have gone on great adventures out the back door to the C&O canal, deep into caves, and down by the Potomac River.
The steps down stairs
This a Japanese panel painting that my great-grandmother bought while in Hawaii. It is quite a beautiful piece of art work. The concept of the Tao, not doing, and harmony are well illustrated in this naturalistic painting. The painter was surely skilled and dedicated to his craft.
Kee-dog has hops (Doodle doesn’t)
This is Kiedis jumping and Dempsy barking.
Hawaiian Lava Rock
This is another item that my great-grandmother gave us. It is rock made from solidified lava… I think. It is very porous and looked quite beautiful covered in fluffy snow. I like the balance of light and dark in this picture. It looks like an abstract piece from afar.
Sycamore
There are tons of Sycamore trees in our back yard. Come winter, their bark peels off revealing a stark white wood. I enjoy this picture because it is a close investigation of something I normally take no time to notice.
Mother Nature
Wow! I have never seen this tree before so conveniently placed in our back yard. I call it the Kundilni Tree because of the spiraling ascension of bark. It certainly and quite literally embodies the feminine energy.
Big Ol’ Mushroom
This fungus was wider than a catcher’s mitt and had almost 5 inches of snow stacked on top of it. It was a very cool find.
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Utah Salt Lake City/ Arches National Park, February 2015 At the start of 2015 my dad, brother, and I all took a trip to Salt Lake City to visit my Dad’s brother (my uncle) for a week of good ssnowboarding. When we got there I was startled to see the lack of snow and to be walking around in 60 degree weather. The mountains still had snow (much more snow and larger in size compared to midatlantic) so we made some good trips up to Snowbird, Briton, and a few other mountains. We ate glorious mole (not the animal, the Mexican sauce) at the Red Iguana and had a great visit with my little cousins. Since it was so warm my dad and I took a trip to arches national park. It was beautiful there and felt like an ancient planet.
The view from my uncle’s house
Some great contrast in this sunset. The valley bellow is where Salt Lake City is located.
We’re Open!
A cursing shot I snapped while heading to arches national park. It looks like something from the set of your run of the mill zombo-nuke-apocalypse movie.
Tower of Babel
This is one of my favorite rock formations at the park. The thing is huge and my little wide-angle attachment did a good job of fitting it in the frame.
The most famous arch
This is the arch at the national park. It was a pretty gnarly hike, longer than my dad and I expected. Maybe it is because we were lost for 30 minutes… Very pleased with the shot. I like the snow-capped mountains in the background.
The second most famous arch (my favorite one)
My favorite arch in the park. Hands down. It better still be there.
This a little lagoon walking out of the park. It was near a 500-year-old petroglyph of rams.
My uncle’s desk
Just a cool, funky, good morning shot of my uncles desk. He is a jazz-dad musician after all.
We took a hike near my uncle’s house that went up into the valley. It is a road during the summer. During winter, snow covers the road and they turn it into a hiking trail. This a shot of some run-off streaming down the mountain.
Moshi with an entirely too large stick
Moshi is an Australian Shepherd. He is a super high energy, ridiculously good looking dog. He carried that stick for at least a mile up the mountain.
The top of the water fall hike
At the top of the trail there is a fairly big water fall, I was able to tumble down the snow covered hill to get some good shots. I kept the shutter open and held her still to try to get the movement of the water.
Moshi!
MOSHI (his brother Milo is back and to the right. He is much more fluffy)
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Spain, March 2015
In mid-March I took a trip to Spain with some old friends that I went to Italy with a few years back. I was originally planning to go to Granada by myself the end of this year. My buddy Bryan easily talked me into going a few months sooner.
Life is beautiful
Life is beautiful in Barcelona. This was taken on a side street near our hotel off of La Rambla. It was perfect lighting for the shot and this gentleman certainly has great character.
hanging fern thingy
Just some hanging fern above the vagrant gentleman.
Valencia Market
This was the inside of Valencia’s main market. Its design resembles a cathedral. The produce was exceptional. Local eggs, fresh fruit, and a quality meat and fish market were all inside. I would love it if this replaced our local food lion.
Valencia cityscape
This shot is from the top of an ancient city tower. The city has expanded well beyond this old outer wall since it was built. Great view of the streets and Spanish roof tops.
Alhambra
The relic and reason I wanted to go to Spain in the first place. It certainly was a divine experience walking through its halls and great vistas. This is a shot from gypsy caves on the other side of the valley. Check out my other post about my experience walking the Alhambra: https://onelittlefire.wordpress.com/2015/04/13/a-return-to-alhambra/
Bryan and I grabbed some lunch in a restaurant near the gypsy caves. It was a gorgeous view with the valley and Alhambra right outside the window.
Alhambra
One last look before we parted ways.
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Home Spring Time, April-May 2015 This spring was the first time I have been home for the entire duration of the season in years. Our development is surrounded by red bud trees which are truly the sight to see come spring. It was a joy watching them progressively bloom each morning when I walked outside.
Not sure what bush this is, but it’s quite vibrant.
This is a mystery bush beside our house in the backyard. Our dogs like to camp out underneath of it in the cool dirt during hot days.
Sage, I believe
We had great success this year with our flower bed in the backyard. Usually the dear chomp the buds off the flowers. It is rare to witness true indigo in nature.
Lima Bean!
We planted some lima beans in the garden this year. They really didn’t yield any beans for some reason but, the little sprouts where wonderful to watch grow.
Some sort of succulent plant my mom planted in our front flower bed. I like the little dew drops in the heart of each leafing.
The dogwood on the east side of our house has very interesting blossoms. I have never taken the time to investigate them like I did this past spring.
Dogwood
I like the contrast of fresh spring green and fading winter gray in the background. I think it captures the transition of the season.
Goldfinch
We feed the birds through winter till spring. There are usually 20+ birds around chirping and munching seed.
A Grackle
Just another one of the boys at the feeder. The field of focus in the picture is interesting with the many layers of red bud branches.
Just a macro shot of some of the branches on an overcast day.
Red Buds
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Outer Banks, June 2015
Our family has been taking trips to the outer banks for most of my life. We have had many good years visiting these shores. It was fun rediscovering the area this year. I made an effort to explore different areas close by on the bike that our house had inside of it. Most of the photos in this section are from that bike trip.
Sound side picture.
This tree was located sound side by a board walk area. Some creepy hand contrast.
These sea oats where also by the board walk area.
DOUBLE RAINBOW
Double rainbow, need I say more?
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Sheperdstown/Sharpsburg, July-September 2015 The next selection of photos all revolve Sheperdstown, Sharpsburg, The C&O Canal, amd The Antietam Battle Field. I have stayed relatively local for the past few months considering I have started grad school in Frederick. During this time I have continued to wonder around locally experiencing the places I see everyday in a more mindful way.
Sept, 2015 Blood Moon Eclipse
This was the the full moon lunar eclipse that happened at the end of September. My mom and I walked to the top of our drive way to watch the first half of the eclipse. The clouds in the sky all went away once it started. Perfect timing.
Just a fun over exposure while holing the camera in my hands. I didn’t bother with the tripod for either shot, although, it probably would have been worth the effort setting up.
This was taken sometime in late July behind German Street in Shepherdstown. There is a creek that runs through the town, under German Street, and then all the way down the cliff into the Potomac River.
I have tried to figure out what flower this is without any success. It blossomed off a viney plant that was wrapped around one of the wooden fence posts at the Antietam Battlefield. It was an absolute beauty to see that evening.
This was just a little tribute to Dr. Oliver Sacks. He was a wonderful neurologist who investigated the human experience in a very different way than most scientists and healthcare professionals. He gave a great dissertation on the rarity of the true color of indigo in our day to day lives. He past away this summer.
This a creek I discovered that feeds in the Potomac River. It crossed through the C&O Canal and is close to a spot where fishermen like to cast off the shore of the river.
C&O Canal
This is the C&O Canal, specifically near Taylor’s Landing. To the left is the walking path where people can hike or ride bikes. The canal used to be filled with water so that cargo boats could be pulled by donkeys walking on the trail.
These next few shots are from the forest surrounding our backyard. There is a cleared alley way I walked down to take these pictures. The sun light created a sort of halo effect on the edges of the leaves.
These last pictures were all taken in Shepherdstown. The one above is a hanging vine near the theater on German Street.
It started spitting a little rain while I was walking around town. The lights on Shepherd University’s campus illuminated the tiny droplets of rainfall.
Blue Moon Cafe
This is one of the more popular restaurants in town called Blue Moon Cafe. They have a lot of locally sourced items (most of the restaurants in town do) with a funky atmosphere inside. If you ever visit, I recommend the salsa and Mediterranean salad.
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It is a blessing to live again in the place that I grew up and know so well. Every season is vibrant and full of change. The birds are always heard. Orin and The Big Dipper can be easily seen. A drive is typically necessary to get groceries or run errands, but that is okay with me.
Autumn is just about in full swing now. The road traveling from Sharpsburg to Shepherdstown is lined with maple trees, all of which are making their way to glowing red. Things move slow here with enough time in every day. My gratitude extends out to all of this dwelling. I am happy to be present in this ever changing home, a place I thought I knew so well. It is nice to see each day hear is full, like anywhere really, with surprises or none at all.
The undergrad experience is finished. I stand now in a very good place. I have the opportunity of coming back home to live with my parents this winter and celebrate some of the season with friends, family, and of course snowboarding. I am making plans now for the coming year. Travel and volunteering is my next step. But before stepping through the mirror of the past four years, I would like to take a moment to look in reflection. These years have been so much more than a college experience. It taught me how to meet with what the moment brings. Open, unattached, accepting.
— Travel —
Italy Two years ago, I bumped into a new friend while hiking on the Appalachian Trail. We meet through a mutual friend on this hiking and camping trip during spring break. We had a great time on the trail; two weeks later he made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. “Me, my brother, and my friend from VA are in need of a fourth member for a trip… a trip to Italy. Our other friend just backed out after months of planning. Are you in?” I was so in. Two months later I was on a plan across the Atlantic. A layover in Dusseldorf for 22 hours followed by a connecting flight to Rome was the road ahead.
3 Friends+Beer+Eurotrip=Fun
This trip all started because a friend was open enough to ask and I was open enough to accept an unexpected, unplanned adventure. I was 19. It was my first time out of the country. We were backpacking for 4 weeks. A new world was on the way. We started in Rome, and traveled much of the country. Sienna, Florence, Venice, Amalfi, Pescara, Cinque Terre… Two weeks in, we had the backpacking method down much to the thanks of my friend Bryan’s exceptional planning (center of photo above).
There are so many tales and memories, but I will talk about the one that I most remember. We were hiking the five cities of Cinque Terre on the northwestern coast of Italy bellow Genoa. We had just left from Sienna if I remember correctly. I wasn’t feeling well because of some allergy issues in Sienna. Luckily by the time we arrived at the first city we were to hike, I was able to muster up enough placebo by savoring the view of the Italian coast. We meet two Australian boys, James and Shaun. They were brothers. Shaun just graduated high school and was visiting his brother James who was going to grad school in Madrid. I asked them if they wanted to join us for the rest of hike and they were happy to journey with us. It was a special moment to meet new friends from across the world, all of us so far from home. The definitive barriers that contain “home” were revealed to me as an illusion that moment. Go open and you welcome the world and new friends within your own hearth. We hiked, shared the path and a view. My favorite part of this journey with our new mates was how it ended. No Facebook. No email. No number. Just a wish for a happy trail. We were heading north and had to catch a train. The Aussie boys stuck around in the last town to watch a bocce ball match being played by some old locals.
Later boys
Honduras
At the beginning of 2013, instead of heading to the Mediterranean I was on my over the Gulf to Honduras. I was heading down south with a group of 30 students from Towson. We were all a part of the student group Students Helping Honduras. Many of us were heading closer towards the equator for the first time in our lives. As a group, we fundraise for our personal trip during the fall semester. Come winter break we fly to Honduras to build schools, girl’s and boy’s homes, houses, libraries etc. After the trip, we take the entire spring semester to fundraise for a specific project. The funds we raise go directly to the creation, staffing, and maintenance of the project. In the past our group has raised money for a bilingual school, girls and boys home, and a library. These are not small projects. Our group at Towson has raised $50,000-$20,000 depending on the semester for these projects in previous years. It is all done in the hopes of empowering the children of Honduras through sustainable community and educational development.
The first thing that took me away was the beauty of the country and the warmth of its people. Honduras is a very interesting and complex state. The constant shooting green mountains and floral landscape contrast heavily with obvious corporate intrusion (DRINK COKE) painted on the side of bridges and houses. But most of all, Honduras is home to the highest homicide rate in the world as a result of gang violence within a struggling state. There was a strange mixture of beauty, simplicity, suffering, and poverty.
A rose opens behind barbed wire.
A very special human experience happened on this trip. It occurred at an orphanage we visited close to San Pedro Sula. Like many of the volunteers on this trip, the visit to this state run orphanage brought the reality of poverty and neglect before my eyes, within my heart. Children with mental disabilities were strapped in beds. Infants cried out in need of love, of stimulation. There was only a handful of house mothers tending to a hundred children.
The entire visit, I noticed an older girl in the orphanage quietly shadowing all the volunteers. She was 13. Her name was Esperanza. Volunteers would ask her questions about the orphanage and she would truthfully answer. This young girl was strong. You could see it in the way she stood back and watched the volunteers become overwhelmed by her everyday experience. Somehow, she radiated spirit within the confines of rough concrete walls. We made our way outside to a small play area surrounded by tall walls built into the side of large rock. Esperanza and I kicked a soccer ball around the small play space. She laughed free in spirit with such heart glow. Her will and integrity reached well over the enclosure around her. I swear for a second I saw her towering over those white barricades. We shared as many laughs as we could sing in that moment.
On our way back to the bus after many goodbyes with the kids, I found myself behind the volunteer group gazing back behind at the barriers I could so freely leave. I stood with my back to the open gate still standing in the orphanage before turning towards the bus. To my left and around the corner came Esperanza. She stood with such presence before me at half my height. I was far from matching the strength she stood with right there in front of me. She gently came to my side. I bent down and hugged her tight. I spoke no Spanish at the time, so I couldn’t tell her I love her. Luckily such love is only hinted at by words. After hugging, I reached my arms out with my hands on her shoulders. I was level with her and looked into her eyes. This is where words simply don’t do the moment, true heart, justice. But I will try. In that moment I saw soul. I saw infinite potential. I saw warm brown eyes blossoming the same way roses do in the spring. The soul I saw was of no 13 year old. It was a soul of courage daring enough to rise up, like a thorny rose weaving above barbed wire fence.
Scotland
Almost a year later, my family and I took a plane back to the motherland: Scotland. We left right before Christmas and spent two weeks together connecting to the roots of our ancestors. We enjoyed live panto in London and Arthur’s Seat in Edinburgh. We looked upon the deep Loch Ness waters and red moss of the Cairngorms. Our family name Abernathy (originally Abernethy) comes directly from northern Scotland close to a small town called Aviemore. We took a day tip from Inverness to investigate this small area and it’s physical link to our bloodline. We found our way to a small church and cemetery south of Aviemore in search of an ancestor’s grave. To the west of the cemetery the snow draped Carnigorms stood stoic with red moss soft atop its rocky roots. I climbed over the cemetery wall to get a better look. Under the mountain range a small loch sat silent just like the cool winter air. A hill extended down in front of me to the shore of the water. It was lined with leafless conifers covered in mint green lichen. As I stood on the hill, a very grounding sensation traveled from my feet to the top of my skull. I felt just as rooted as the pine tree to my left, as the mountain in front of me. I felt my ancestors in my every heartbeat. I owe my every breath to those who came before. I was home where I stood. Ever since then I carry home in my skin.
The Motherland
— Academia —
I am very happy to have graduated with my BS in Psychology. I have much love for the science and philosophy this field of study has provided the world. I’ll take some time here to tell of personal fascinations I bring with me into the future. I have a few contrasting loves within the field: neuroscience/physiopsychology, developmental psychology, and transpersonal psychology.
Biopsychology
I’ll never forget the moment I was sitting phyisopsych when I learned about the dendritic connections within one nerve cell. During this class, we were learning about the minimum mV required for a single neuron to fire an electrical impulse. Excitation of a single neuron is stimulated by the release of neurotransmitters, molecular chemical compounds, from other surrounding neurons. These neurotransmitters then bind to the neuron and change its mV. One microscopic neuron is “connected” to over 10,000 other neurons within the brain via this exchange of neurotransmitters. The combined influence of these thousands of neurons results in the excitation and change in mV for one single neuron to fire. This electrical impulse, or action potential, then travels down to the terminal button at the end of the neuron. From here, a neurotransmitter is released on to another neuron’s tiny dendrite.
10,000 neurons. It seems Buddhist understood the significance of this number. From a human perspective this number gives a tangible image of what is infinite within the realm of our worldly senses. I suppose that is why I was astonished to learn of this vast connection. While 10,000 is large number of tiny synaptic gaps, I was still able to visualize what that tiny universe might look like. To me it is a beautiful world.
Developmental Psychology
A gentleman by the name of Erik Erickson, born in 1902, made beautiful contributions to the psychological community when it came to human development. As a young man, he meet with adversity from peers in school and was frequently out cast. His schooling was sporadic; he was far from an astonishing student. Eventually he begin traveling throughout Europe as an Artist which lead him to a chance encounter with Sigmund Freud’s daughter, Anna Freud. Under her supervision, he gained psychoanalytic training which lunched him into a world of psychological interest.
Over my years of study, I have taken to Erickson’s psychosocial stages of development because of the simple balance each stage provides for understanding how humans grow into being. There is a balance of energy at play within each stage. One way encourages personal worth and potential. The other way sets limits or confines a human from maximizing potential. For example, his first stage trust vs. mistrust indicates that an infant yearns to have its basic needs meet. If the child is provided basic needs, love, and stimulation, it will learn to trust the surrounding environment.
It was after analyzing my own human development through these stages that I saw how powerful his theory is at encouraging human growth. What I have learned is that any crisis that may have occurred in my past can be resolved. I can’t go back in time, but I can go back to those experiences and establish acceptance, balance, and peace.
Transpersonal Psychology This field of psychology resonates with many of my current interests. I am fascinated with Far Eastern Traditions. Hindu, Buddhist, and Tao school of thought is concerned with what is rudimentary for the western science of psychology. Consciousness and an understanding of the mind is the perfect meeting ground for these two perspectives. Transpersonal psychology delves into ultimate questions all humans share. Is there consciousness after death? What is the soul? How can we cultivate happiness and reduce suffering in life? It integrates mind-body practices for counseling that range from art therapy, wilderness therapy, and to even somatic therapy.
The far eastern traditions are a great resource for these questions and techniques. Meditation practice is now common place in the psychology community and mindfulness practices are becoming more accepted in western society. I want to learn about this sub field of psychology and I will not be at all surprised to see myself in a graduate setting learning more about it.
— Poetry —
Poetry has a beautiful way of hinting at the nature of life. It plays strings in celebration of what is silent. How can a word tell of silence? It is like a brush stroke circling around the sublime. It never quite touches the source, the divine. But it doesn’t have too. Poetry invites us all into the human experience.
Last spring, my heart was opened to a pervasive compassion. It stretched out from the center of the 12th century Sufi poet, Rumi. It echoed out from Coleman Barks, his translator. It went singing in my ear and sailed into my heart.
What was said to the rose
That made it open
Was said to me
Here in my chest
This quatrain of poetry brought a presence of light that stirred in the center of my chest. I was struck by an all-encompassing experience, comparable to a first breath of a child. I wept, like one too. Not out of pain, but sheer bliss. What I had just heard vibrated in unison with an aesthetic truth at the center of my being. That moment, I woke up to the wonder of poetry and its ability to share orbs of experience.
For the past year I have been moved by the natural expression of poetry. It is something that I don’t have to try to do. It flows naturally like walking, like breathing. And for much of this past year, I would consider Rumi my greatest teacher. He has shown me how to create my own myth. Coleman Barks has been the conduit of this apprenticeship for which he has my gratitude. I offer these gentleman a deep bow. They sparked a love for poetry, a love for expression, a love for a movement of energy.
— Meditation —
My practice with meditation began a bit more than two years ago. My interest in Buddhism was my first conduit into the practice, followed by yoga. The main reason I began to mediate was to establish a better understanding of my own consciousness.
For many years I had felt overwhelmed by this phenomena of existence. I remember when I was 12 years old, I awoke to just how vast our physical reality seems. I was walking through the Air and Space Museum with my father in D.C. enjoying a warm summer day of travel. Inside the museum we were greeted by one of the space capsules that journeyed out of our earth’s atmosphere to the moon. I looked upon this tiny capsule and realized that it traveled into a supreme and vast darkness. It was as if a light switch turned on in my head. Suddenly the earth I was standing on had little direction and no bearing in this void. It felt as if I was falling out of the sky. Leaving the museum I couldn’t bear to look up towards the clouds. The weight of the universe came crushing on top of me and I felt completely adrift in empty space.
I was overwhelmed by this new perspective of the universe. It was a fear of helplessness. It was as if my consciousness slapped me in the face, awake. You could say it was my first ever “panic attack”. At least I went all out for my first time around.
Meditation was the practice that brought me back down to earth, so to speak (yoga taught me how to breathe). This simple, patient practice has turned my once greatest fear into a curious interest. I gaze at the stars now. I lay down and look at the clouds. My place is here where I stand. I don’t see myself separate from this vastness anymore. It flows through me, quietly on winds of grace.
The simple act of sitting down and breathing has brought me peace in regards to my place in the universe. Mindfulness practices focusing on breath has taught me how to direct my attention and accept particular thoughts, feelings, and sensations. Meditations of compassion have revealed within me a pervasive light, shared by all beings. The love I have for myself is the same love I have for a friend, a stranger, an enemy. Conditions fall away and a gentle warmth permeates.
This practice has transitioned from a means to calm anxieties to a method for grounding in the present moment. I trust my breath. I am breathing. I allow these thoughts to rise and fall from the periphery of my mind. I let them pass by like clouds to moving through the sky. I am breathing.
The more I practice, the more I learn how to let go. I learn how to accept life and death. I learn how to simply be present to what the moment brings. Some days it is no more than a breath or a heartbeat. To listen to a heartbeat is a precious gift.
An important aspect of my being that mediation has revealed to me is the fear of loss. Each practice has brought me closer to this feeling in some way. As this fear has surfaced, I have learned how to sit with it. I let it move like the waves of the ocean. With this acceptance, the fear has slowly diminished. I feel free to celebrate life and move naturally from my center, as my own being.
My meditation is continuing to evolve and grow. It is a rich experience that I am extremely grateful to have discovered in my life. It is a practice of life. I look forward to furthering this practice. Peace lies in this moment.
— Yoga —
I started practicing vinyasa yoga about two years ago. There was an instant connection there for me on the mat like so many others have felt. As clique as the term mind-body is nowadays, this connection that yoga creates drew me into the asana practice. The practice of yoga is meant to draw in the senses and “yoke” the mind and body to oneness. The purpose is to still the mind through a series of mindful postures.
Yoga is a precious gift. I have gratitude for this ancient tradition that has made its way to the west. I have learned so much about myself and have discovered new ways of being that reflect on and off the mat. Ujjayi breath keeps me warm when it is cold out. That I am thankful for, especially during this winter arctic blast.
My practice has adapted so much the past few years as I have settled into a flow that fits best with me. Yoga is not something I have to do. It is something I let happen naturally, just like my breath and poetry.
To draw my senses in, to be home in my breath, to be present in a posture is to be alive. It is the same experience as being open to what the moment brings. Sometimes discomfort arises in a hip opening posture. Other times deep relaxation occurs in forward fold. Other times still, pure vital energy moves in sun salutation. Freshness. This is life. Feelings, postures, situations move in dependent arising. I am present to what the moment has to offer.
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So I take a breath and step beyond the mirror. I like what I see. Coming back home after graduation is a great jumping board for my future. I am free here to discover my next step, wherever that may take me. I see clearly what endeavors cultivate happiness in my life. Yoga, meditation, and psychology are easy interests for me. I think where these loves center is where I will be going next. The best way I can be of service to this world is what I will do. The most important thing I think we can all do is try to share our gifts with the world, however simple they may be.
A wonderful thing I have noticed these past few weeks since graduation is my tendency to rush, to feel like I am not doing enough with my life. I imagine this is common place for many young adults and adults to feel this way. I realize that I have felt guilty or deficient for not having a definitive job or destination for my future. This guilt has moved me to panic in search of what it is I need to do. All I need is here.
My father gave me some beautiful advice concerning this tendency. “Well son, maybe you don’t have to figure it all out right now. I am not even sure what figuring it out means. Maybe it is as simple as graduating and taking the next step from there.” Just a reminder that many times we create our own suffering. I let that go. I smile.
I am now getting used to a new habit of trusting myself and moving naturally. Rumi says it best —
Today, like every other day, we wake up empty
and frightened. Don’t open the door to the study
and begin reading. Take down a musical instrument.
Let the beauty we love be what we do.
There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.
So I carry that truth in my heart, go and grow. I end this entry with some words from the Tao Te Ching. They offer a particular wisdom for where I am and how I choose to live.
Rushing into action, you will fail.
Trying to grasp things, you lose them.
Forcing a project to completion,
you ruin what was almost ripe.
Therefore the Master takes action
by letting things take their course.
He remains as calm
at the end as at the beginning.
He has nothing,
thus has nothing to lose.
My gratitude extends to all the family, all the friends, all the professors, and all of the communities that have raised me up in support the past few years. This graduation would not be possible without the help of my father, my mother, my brother, many good friends, and a few good strangers. You all have my love. That’s all I have to say for now. Thanks for reading.
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References for this entry:
Mitchell, S. (1988) Tao Te Ching: An Illustrated Journey. London: Frances Lincoln Limited.
Coleman, B. (2004) The Essential Rumi: New Expended Edition. New York: HarperColloins Publisher.
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